Loneliness is not cured by human company. Loneliness is cured by contact with reality.
When I was reading Awareness by Anthony de Mello for the first time (which is a powerful book I recommend you read) the above quote struck me so intensely. It is an idea I have spent a few years working hard at deeply understanding and embodying.
What is the essential message of this quote?
When you are deeply connected to your life and to existence, being and consciousness, you will never be lonely. It is a mistake to think that more human company will make you less lonely if you are fundamentally disconnected from life.
Think back to when you were deeply engaged in something — reading a book, building something, enjoying nature, lost in the flow of working on a project, learning a new skill, cooking a fun meal, listening to some beautiful music — and realise that you didn’t feel lonely in that moment. Why? Because you were connected to life, you were engaged, you were stimulated and you were moving with the universe.
In no way am I saying that a healthy amount of human relationship is not necessary as part of the ways of living a fulfilling and meaningful life or that you should aim to be in solitude all the time. People are very important. But this is pointing to a deeply fundamental mistake that when you are lonely you think it’s because you don’t have enough people around you. One thing you can contemplate which goes against this notion is that there are many instances in life when we can have many friends and family around us and still feel lonely and isolated.
Ask yourself these powerful questions when you are dealing with issues of loneliness:
What connects me to reality?
What activities have I done in the past where I was alone, yet felt deeply connected to the present moment?
What disconnects me from reality?
What is fundamentally causing me to feel disconnected from the energy of life in this moment and hence feeling separate and lonely?
If you explore this one principle, you will change the way you relate to the feeling of loneliness and you will probe that much deeper into yourself and your life every time those feelings arise. Facing loneliness in isolation is very difficult but leads to many profound discoveries and powerful growth and change in your life. Next time you are lonely, don’t run to people — play around with it, sit with it, use it as an opportunity to assess your life and see how you can connect more with reality around you. Use it to ask deep existential questions about your purpose, actions, behaviours and habits and your fundamental relationship to life. I promise it will be well worth your time.
#23
